To: The People That Made My Day

AKA:

Professor Daly who gave then entire class an 8 point curve and saved me from my first C ever. 

The Sonic waiter that said he liked my shirt... 3 times. 

Jose - the random guy at Goodwill that convinced me to buy some kind of martial arts uniform and promised to train me. 

The man in the elevator who cheered me on while I was moving my stuff out of the dorm. 

and

The Castilian Cafe staff who partially made the last meal I will ever have to endure there. 

Thank you. It's the people like you that make this world a little better and my days a little brighter.

Much love, 

Bird. 

To: The Army of Mosquitos That Just Invaded My Bedroom

So the fly carcasses on my walls weren't warning enough not to enter my sleeping realm?
Or perhaps you took them as an invitation... a challenge.
Regardless of your reasons it was sheer stupidity coming here for I am a bug-killing machine. I trained in Haiti against mosquitos much bigger and deadlier than you.
But you are well aware of this now. I'll admit that you were quicker, craftier than the fly - but still, you are no match for my elf-like vision and impeccable shoe handling. One by one I struck you down. And I will leave your guts smeared across my ceiling as a trophy and as a warning for mosquitos to come:

All bugs who enter here shall perish.

Cause I'm a bird... and I eat you for breakfast.

Yours,
Bird.

Dear Freshman Year,

What happened to you?
Last I remember I was unpacking my toy dinosaurs and saying goodbye to my parents and now you're over?
I'm really sad about this.
I mean, sure, it'll be nice not to be referred to as "fresh meat" anymore but you're 1/4th of my college experience! And a week from now, you'll be gone forever.
One of the things that scares me the most about that is that a year from now I might not remember what you are to me. So for posterity's sake, here's a list of 15 things I did this year that really define you.
1.) Joined and quit a sorority
2.) Dyed my hair... a lot
3.) Peed in the UT fountain
4.) Got Asthma
5.) Met Steve-O
6.) Kept up a phone-friendship with a hobo
7.) Watched all 6 Harry Potter movies for the first time
8.) Survived OU weekend
9.) Hitched a ride in a tow truck... and a limo
10.) Went to a paint-rave
11.) Started a secret society
12.) Had a snowball fight in the middle of campus
13.) Went to Haiti
14.) Bought a moped
15.) Finally got a nickname

This year has been hard, fun, freeing, scary, new and all-around awesome.
You've transformed me. Everyone said it would happen but I didn't realize how much until now. I am not the same person I was before we met and I want to thank you for that.

I wish I had more time with you but I realize it's time to move on to another adventure. So goodbye, my sweet freshman year! I'll love you forever!

Best Wishes,
Bird.

Dear Studying,

First of all,

I hate you.

With a passion.

And when I think of you my toes curl, my brows furrow, my stomach knots up and an angry fire burns in my heart.

Then I loose the ability to concentrate... or move.

I would literally rather sit and look at a glass of water for the rest of my life than spend time with you.
That being said, finals are coming up and unfortunately I am going to be spending time with you, and what's worse, I'm going to be spending time with ONLY you. For two weeks. I just want to make sure we were clear that there is not an ounce of affection for you in my entire heart, soul or mind.

Well, thats all I have to say really. I hope you die.

Just incase you didn't catch it, I hate you:
Bird.

Dear, The Internet

Osama bin Laden is dead.

Love,
Bird

Dear Ukulele

Hi. How are you? 

I'm just writing you today to tell you what a pleasure it's been getting to know you over the past weeks. The three songs that I've managed to learn how to squeak out of your strings are great. I could play them all day long (I probably would, too, if it weren't for the sorrowful sighs coming from the living room every time I start to strum). I have to say, though, I'm a bit disappointed that our relationship isn't moving along faster... we don't have the deep connection I thought we would by now. I don't know, it's still just chords with us. 

And I was happy with that, but then I got on You Tube and I suppose... I'm a bit jealous. I mean, there's this 4-year-old kid on there playing "I'm Yours" like a pro and it really bummed me out. You of all things know that I've been trying to learn that song since I met you and this little kid who can't even speak yet is just strumming away like Mraz himself. It's discussing. 

Anyways, I just thought you should know how I feel. Don't worry about me, I'm consoling myself with the fact that in 10 years I'll be getting good and little asian boy's hands will probably be too big to play anymore. Really, I'll be alright.  

But if you wanted to speed things up, I guess that would be fine. 

See you tomorrow.

Yours,

Bird. 

To: The Fly in my Bedroom

Look. It's one o'clock in the morning. I'm tired. All I want to do right now is go to sleep. So could you please kindly SHUT UP?
I'm really not asking for that much, I'm sure you're just as tired as I am - you've probably had a long day of raiding cabinets, barfing on people's shoulders and ingesting your own vomit. Why don't you just rest your agitating fly wings and we can both get some shut eye. Quite frankly, you should be happy... you've got a warm lamp to snuggle up against, a nice quite room and I'm not going to smash you like any other decent human would.
I mean, you're one lucky fly. I don't have the energy to climb out of bed and kill you like I killed your fat, buzzing brother half an hour ago. That's not going to last long though... one more buzz out of you and I swear I will be so agitated that it will send a load of adrenaline through my veins that will give me the strength to properly pulverize your tiny body with my shoe hard enough to make your guts fly around the world twice and then land back in your dying face. But I really don't want to do that... so don't make me.

Yours,
Bird.

Dear Craigslist

You're amazing. You really are. I feel like we have a deep connection that rivals even Romeo and Juliet. I mean, I spent 5 hours with you this afternoon and I never once felt bored. And I feel like I've learned so much more about you... at first, I'll admit, I was just using you for your free stuff. I mean, come on, at no cost at all I can can have all the bookshelves and dirty couches my heart desires... not to mention the occasional awesome oddity (remember that free rooster in perfect breeding condition? I sure do...). Little did I know that you had so many other great qualities. For example... 

"strictly platonic" - 

A place where people post their insecurities on the web and get laughed at by people like me. I can't help it though. I just can't imagine what would drive a person to post an ad for FRIENDS. Here are two examples: 

BINGO!

Single white male here, non-creep, looking for platonic friends to go play bingo with. I have never played bingo here in Austin, but it sure sounds like fun.. I live in north central austin and there's Big Star Bingo on 183 and Anderson lane.. Meet me there or we can meet up for drink or coffee first.
I am 35, white, professional, attractive and in shape and just looking for a good time out at BINGO! 

Portrait of a pal-

So, I'm new to Austin and I know literally nobody (proper use of literally). The problem is that I'm very introverted, tending toward shy. At the moment I'm just looking for someone to talk with via e-mail. I'd like to start this way since it's within my comfort zone. Eventually if it seems we hit it off and decide it would behoove us to meet, then that is something I would consider. 

Personality-wise I am friendly, considerate and only slightly awkward. I have some mild social phobia. I can be forthcoming at times, but other times I am like an iceberg (non-Freudian sense).
E-mail me if you think we have similar interests or you think we'd get along!
(You can tell me the last book you read, or maybe the last song you heard, or maybe the last movie you saw, or maybe what you did yesterday, or an interesting anecdote?) 

Honestly though, who....? Bingo? I have some mild social phobia? This is why I love you craigslist. You fascinate me with the multitude of people that fill your metaphorical pages. And that, I think, is the main reason why you can captivate me for hours on end... your ads open worlds for me. 

- Cristen is having a baby but her husband just left her, she's looking for a nanny to help raise her child.
- Mario is going to study abroad in Spain, he needs to sell his motorcycle to make money for his trip.
- Eileen just had a really bad time at an easter egg hunt - the parents cheated and her daughter only got TWO EGGZ!

See? In 5 minutes I just met 3 new people and got to peer into a moment of their lives. How cool is that? The answer, my dear Craigslist, is "really cool". So thanks again for being so awesome, I'll be seeing you real soon. 

Yours, 

Bird.